Monday, August 18, 2008

It's hard enough that I can't hear Him speak, it's hard for me to pray also.

Hi people, how're we all doing and how was our weekend? hope we had a funfilled and fulfilled one? I know i wasn't able to respond to comments on my birthday post, and sorry this is coming roughly two weeks after. Please do bear with me. I'M REALLY GRATEFUL for your words and prayers, THANK YOU ALL SO VERY MUCH. I really do appreciate it and i love you all so much.

So i decided that i was going to set time aside this past weekend to seek God's face and pray concerning the jobless situation in my life (i'm making it sound really bad, right?). I was excited and preparing towards the weekend, i was really expectant and prepared myself towards that. Friday came and all i could do was think and pray a little (those under the breath prayers). Saturday came and i just didn't feel like praying 'cos i didn't know where to start from. I couldn't figure out how to pray for what i wanted, i wasn't too sure if i was going to utter the right words.
Then some of His promises started popping up in my head, But It felt so hard to believe He really made those promises, or better still it felt so hard to believe those promises were made to me and all i could do was cry and ask God to help me. Crying 'cos i can't believe my friend would not speak to me, crying 'cos i don't know if i did anything wrong (I've searched my heart and begged for Your forgiveness Lord), Crying 'cos i felt helpless, crying 'cos i couldn't hear Him speak, crying 'cos i felt my expectations were completely cut short (...the expectations of the righteous shall not be cut short, right? well...........) crying 'cos i believe i lost this battle again, crying 'cos i felt so ungrateful to God, crying 'cos i had my Bible in front of me and i just didn't know how to open and read it (seriously i didn't know how to open and read it), crying 'cos i'm angry at myself and my situation, crying mainly 'cos Eru ara mi'n ba mi (i'm scared for myself). Well, i sure stopped crying and started feeling sleepy and before i sleft off i asked God to try speaking to me in my sleep. Hmn...., He didn't speak o, or maybe He did and i didn't hear Him clear enough. I woke up and decided to take a walk, maybe that would help abi? Not at all, i didn't hear a word. Okay, maybe He spoke and my mind was too noisy to hear what He said, right? Bottomline, i heard nothing and it makes Eru ara mi ba mi the more (makes me scared for myself the more).
Sunday came, i felt much better, but i didn't feel like going to Church. I stayed at home and was listening to Pastor Joel Osteen's message when i slept off. I still didn't hear Him speak. I had to sneak out with my mothers' car to get something, and on the radio i heard " There are treasures in your trails". It seems the treasures in this trial of mine is either missing or i'm too blind to see it (I'm sorry but thats just how i feel right now).
God I'ld be a liar if i say You haven't been more than faithful to me in all aspects. But at this moment, It's just hard for Rinsola to post something else asides how she feels now right now especially since i just can't pray or hear from You.

The fact that i just lamented doesn't mean i don't believe that God is working things out behind the scenes of my life. But would you understand if i say, right now I AM WEAK to accept that He is working out anything and my situation is weighing me down so bad?!

Have a great week ahead, and sorry that my first post after a previous thankful post spells ungrateful brat!

Thursday, August 7, 2008

08-07-08 (New beginning - Perfection - New beginning)

Hello everyone, howz our week coming and how've we all been? Waoh, it's been more than a month since i last updated. I sure tried stopping by blogs but it wasn't as often as i would have loved to, but thank God i'm back now.
First i want to thank GOD alone who deserves all thanks and is responsible for my existence today.
I look back at my years and all i can do is cry, 'cos people, God is really GOD and has been God in my life, He loves me so much, with great jealousy He has showed me His love, He has loved me even when i messed up so bad. People, do you know God never forgets anything, yet He chose to forget my evildoings and still speak to me, oh my God, this God reveals things to me.
Great is indeed God's faithfulness over my life. It's been a challenging ride so far, but i would be so ungrateful if i say God hasn't indeed been faithful to me.
Jehovah Jireh:
He has proved Himself and He's still prooving Himself the Jehovah Jireh in my life. Sometime ago, God said "You don't have to have a job to pay your bills" and i remember immediately, i spoke out to myself, This isn't God speaking, you better wake up to the reality of life and stop saying things to console yourself or make yourself feel better" To make it worse, i was to share it with TERC members, are you kidding me? Share what? God i'm sorry i would shut up on this one o, i don't want to be percieved as a lazy christian, especially considering my situation. But thank God for who God is Numbers 23:19 "God is not a man, that he should lie; Neither the son of man, that he should repent: Hath he said, and shall he not do it? Or hath he spoken, and shall he not make it good?" To seal that verse Isaiah 55vs 11 "So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it". He has sent help to me from UNLIKELY SOURCES and it's been shocking and mindblowing i must say.
He has been Jehovah Shammah to me:
He has been there for me , though sometimes i feel He hasn't been there 'cos it hasn't been my way all the way, but He has been so there for me.
He has been YESHUA to me:
I testified on TERC sometime this year, how God saved me from total shame.
He has been Jehovah ROPHEKA to me, 'cos for as long as i can remember God has kept me in great health and away from the hospital, and you know how expensive health care is in this country.
Have you ever needed a friend, someone to hear you cry and listen to you? well, i lost mine sometime ago and ever since i haven't had that friend, but God has sent people my way. Those who I've never seen yet listen to my ramblings, uplift me in prayers and encourage me everytime.
I can't thank God enough for TERC. Those who i've met, what i've learnt & still learning, how i've been blessed.
Are you saying why am i thanking bloggers and commenters? WORDS sure go a long way. To those who've stopped by one time or the other, those who gave the push and encouraging words when i was down, those who would rather share thier stories than keep it to themselves, those who have kept a smile on my face through your posts, pictures or comments. I feel like family when i'm either leaving comments or reading comments on blogs. I've known very special people through this medium, and all these people have been caring & amazing so far. I don't want to mention names 'cos they're all private people, from the lady who i called this week to say i got it, to the ladies who sent me materials to help me with my upcoming exams, to the ladies who we meet online and encourage me every single time we chat, to the funny ones who send me mails, to the one who come to check on me, to the newest one who makes me look at life entirely in an appreciative manner, to the ones who address me as if we've seen each other, then to the lady who has been WAOH to me in every aspect and calls me her aburo. You all know yourselves. God sure has no choice than to bless you all exceedingly.
Daddy without You, i am but dead. I just want to thank You for breathing life into me and making me see this day in great health and with new Hope. Thank You Lord for not giving up on me, thank You Lord for perfecting everything that concerns me and giving me a new beginning. I'm thankful especially 'cos from the time the clock ticked 12:00am August 7th 2008. You changed my story just like you did for the lame man at the beautiful gate, You are giving me testmonies that would amaze people and they would point to me and say "Isn't that the Rinsola who........?" .
Thank You Lord for Perfection and a new beginning. 08-07-08. Much love people!